I said no. I pushed you away. But we build a solid friendship based upon our true selves. You knew me before I was really “me”.
I read Atlas Shrugged.
I realized I have been objectivist all my life, in not so many words.
I told my father my true thoughts.
I FELT ALONE.
I learned my own self-worth. I don’t need anything to cling to. I can live for myself. I am confident.
I realized I am truly agnostic.
I heard the true beauty in a piece of music for the first time and began listening to purely piano pieces.
I read Beyond Good and Evil.
I heard the same tired, unconvincing, and now-ridiculous “proofs” and reasons for a Christian God blurted out by my own mother’s lips…The same lips that skip church every Sunday. I looked on in disgust and realized what I had been supporting all these years.
I found what ideals, morals, and beliefs make the most sense, make me happiest, and make me feel most fulfilled.
I learned that my entire father’s side of the family thinks my mom is a horrible person and I am a selfish, revengeful one. But they blame my mom for my “skewed” views, so they accept me anyway.
I learned that I believe in overcoming my problems on my own, without burdening others. I can’t cry in front of anyone.
I learned that there is only one person I would ever tell everything to but I’m afraid I’m too late.
Despite the fact that I don’t need anyone to be happy, and I strive to be the best “Dagny Taggart” I can be, I am afraid that I will always be alone for the simple reason that I don’t think anyone, but the one person I was the worst to, really understands me.

—–

Oh Lover, hold on
’till I come back again
For these arms are growin’ tired,
And my tales are wearing thin

If you’re patient I will surprise,
When you wake up i’ll have come
All the anger will settle down
And we’ll go do all the things we should have done

Oh lover, i’m lost
Because the road i’ve chosen beckons me away
Oh lover, don’t you rome
Now i’m fighting words I never thought i’d say

Oh lover, I’m old
You’ll be out there and be thinking just of me
And I will find you down the road
And will return back home to where we’re meant to be

We’ll be back soon as we make history.

But somewhere between Made of Honor, P.S. I Love You, Gossip Girl, and He’s Just Not into You…it hit me.
It didn’t hit me like a ton of bricks however. It was more like a soft piano piece being played in the background at first and slowing gaining momentum into the giant crescendo. And I’m not sure where the crescendo ends.

There was a time when I thought it would come to this but never really believed it.
Now I believe it but am not sure if it’s just too late now. Isn’t timing one of the most important things?

When do we know what to believe?
When do we know what’s real?
When do we know our instincts are correct?
And if we follow instincts, what happens to possibly the most valuable tool each of us has?

Reason.

Instinct tells me yes.
Reason says it’s not even worth it.

The vivid pictures being played out in my head haven’t even happened.
And if I tried to play them out it would inevitably end up less climatic than expected.
Life isn’t a movie unless you’re a member of the National Arts Club.

I can still dream. Even if I try to suppress it.